My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
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im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Would you wear it?
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets