10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
You Might Also Like
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️