My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
You Might Also Like
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.