non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
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oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.