Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
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[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Stop sending me this shit.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.