After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
You Might Also Like
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
.. do you even science?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.