911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
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anyone else like Italian cereal
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.