You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
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HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there