My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
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[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
nyc: