ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
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I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit