“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
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Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart