BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
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*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
that de-escalated quickly
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Happy Friday
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Sharon, call the vet
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”