I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
You Might Also Like
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.