My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
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Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
If you know, you know
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
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Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet