I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
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Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse