Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
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[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I beg your pardon?
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
i’m sure it’s fine
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?