ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
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I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
President The Rock Obama
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Pringles
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone