“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
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[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
they finally got him. they got macavity
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire