Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
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Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.