People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
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6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.