My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
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You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Uh oh…
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.