Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
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As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
my proudest tweet
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.