Money is the root of all wealth
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Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
me, after any kind of buffet.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”