Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
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I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy