[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
You Might Also Like
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son