I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
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Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?