Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
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I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor