You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
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I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.