Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
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“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”