I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
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went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park