Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
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The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!