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5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
kevin is now a local weatherman
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
“You’d better run, egg!”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected