THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
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Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?