T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
You Might Also Like
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment