“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
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Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”