Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
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Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
this chia pet tastes awful