Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
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Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer