I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
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Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”