i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
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[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”