Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
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Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this