I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
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4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
girls literally only want one thing..
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian