Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
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“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Did I do this right
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought