You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
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People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink