I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
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They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you