There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
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him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
the answer was staring at me all along
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Oh deer
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*