We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
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Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?