ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
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“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Its a hippotatomus