“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
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*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.