When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
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Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats