Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
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I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date